At the beginning of this 31 Day journey, I told myself that I was fleeing from "DO" and running hard after "BE." Looking back over my posts, there is still a lot of "DO" that sneaks in and gets in the way of "BE." That's okay, I am such a process.
The funny thing is, in an attempt to organize my thoughts into post titles, I came up with a list of things I would write about.
Out of 31 line items, I only wrote about 8 of them.
That's not a very good percentage, hahaha!
The list consisted of descriptions found in the scriptures that actually describe who He has made us to be. Anywhere a sentence begins with His voice speaking, "You are... " I want to be there.
Here is just a handful of the ones I wanted to touch on, in no particular order:
"You are... "
Called
Chosen
Royal
Holy
A New Creation
I am considering continuing on with my theme, but, don't want to commit. You see, as my 31 Day journey progressed, I kinda just followed along with the feeling of the day (darn feelings).
I'd love to have blogging be a weekly (please, not daily) habit and I think, after this month of blogging non-stop, I have a fairly good pattern to follow.
I hope you haven't minded my bare places. I suppose, if you didn't want to stay and read, you would have left long ago.
I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I used to be... lost in hopelessness.
And, this, my friends, is a BEautiful thing.
{Put a bird on it!}
Thank you for letting me be me.
~ christa
jean ~ ~~~
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Didn't I say I wasn't going to be trusting my feelings anymore? Trusting Him and who I am in Him would be so much more reliable!
I see that the Holy Spirit is ever drawing me out of perfectionism. Some days, I feel strangled by it and I'm running around like a headless chicken. And I'm rushing my children around to fit into my mold of "clean."
"I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."
{Psalm 121:1-2
Whispers, coming steady, invading my dark thoughts.
Reminding me to stay in the game. To cast off the shroud of discouragement.
I read in Luke 11 about the persistent friend, who sought bread... I need the Bread of Life.
I read on and see that all it takes is asking, seeking, knocking.
A little further now, and these words resonate...
"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!”
{Luke 11:13}
He is a Good Father. What have I been asking for?
I've been longing for freedom. But do I ask for it? Seek for it? Knock a little harder? Persist to get the Bread that will sustain?
The bread I've been accustomed to of late, is worm-ridden and rotten; poison to my soul.
Baked in the furnace of hell.
Keep reading on. Words of Life. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
"But if I cast out demons with the finger of God, surely the kingdom of God has come upon you.When a strong man, fully armed, guards his own palace, his goods are in peace.
But when a stronger than he comes upon him and overcomes him, he takes from him all his armor in which he trusted, and divides his spoils"
{Luke 11:20-22}
I happen to know this "Stronger Than He."
I fall on my face before Him in all my lumpy, jagged, rough, brokeness.
And, He. He pulls me to my feet and we dance.
~ christa
jean ~ ~~~
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The little voice asked me, "Can you help me take my toe nail polish off?" And, my first response was, "No, you can do it." Then she held up freshly painted finger nails... I still wanted to say, "No, figure it out yourself, I have other things to do." I was so close to just walking away, but I didn't.
Something, or Someone, arrested me. I actually held me tongue! I got down on my knees in front of her and began to scrub the chunky, glittery, nail polish off.
I'd love to tell you that I did it without complaint... I wish I had.
On my knees, grumbling in front of her, I struggled with my s e l f.
Jesus changes everything, though.
My heart attitude turned around, and I was literally doing what Jesus would have done (kind of ;-)) in that moment.
I was confronted with my selfishness, and I mastered it.
Progress, people!
Baby steps.
~christa
jean ~
~~~
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"Didn't you brush your hair today?" come the sneering words.
"Your hair is all stringy and hanging in your face, it doesn't look good." I am hissing in her face.
I am not proud of this moment.
I see something in myself.
I could use the excuse that my children need to learn better hygiene, or I could just own up to the truth. The truth that I think their appearances/ behaviour reflects back to me. The truth that I am embarrassed.
If you heard these words every day...
Don't be so messy.
Don't be such a troublemaker.
Don't be so noisy.
Don't be so selfish.
Don't be so ungrateful.
Don't be such a whiner.
What would you think about yourself?
Ask me to tell you good things about my children and I will name a few.
Ask me to tell you my children's weaknesses, and they flow freely from my tongue.
I am not proud of this.
I hear these words in my own head, constant reminders of my own weaknesses.
I need a brain washing. A renewing of my mind.
A mind renewed is powerful.
I see darkness. I am blind to the light in my children.
I need healing of these blind eyes.
Eyes that see fully are clear. Cleared.
"The light of the body is the eye: if therefore your eye be single [whole, healthy]. your whole body shall be full of light. But if your eye be evil [diseased], your whole body shall be full of darkness.
If therefore the light that is in you be darkness, how great is that darkness!"
{Matthew 6:22-23}
I am so thankfull for the Holy Spirit.
He comes to me in a gentle way and says, "Hey, you know when you spoke those harmful words to your daughter? Well, those words bruised her heart ... go make it right/"
What if I just started marking down the good? Wouldn't that change what I see?
"There be many [darn accusers] that say, 'Who will show us any good?'
Lord, lift up the light of your countenance upon us. You have put gladness in my heart,
more than in the time when their grain and wine increased."
{Psalm 4:6-7}
A harvest of thankfullness is what I want to bring forth.
No matter if my hair is a mess.
~christa
jean ~ ~~~
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Out chatting with a friend the other night, I noticed that whenever I would begin to speak, I would avert my eyes, looking all about. I had to consciously tell myself to look at her.
Is there something I'm trying to hide?
I don't think so... especially when any random person can read my blog and see that I have, uh, issues.
What is it then?
My thought is this:
Somewhere, in the course of my life, I decided (or more like, believed) that what I have to say isn't that important. Or, that people don't really want to listen to me.
No wonder I mumble and stumble over my words sometimes. "For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he."
I suppose there is a "seeing" when you look into another's eyes.
You can see pain in the eyes. You can see joy. Angry eyes are the worst.
And, when you allow yourself to be looked into, you make yourself vulnerable.
Now that I have seen what I have wrongly believed, I do not have to believe it any longer.
Nor need I fear what others may see.
Next time I see you, I will look you in the eyes.
{There you have it! A window into the soul.}
~christa
jean ~
~~~
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"I feel the Hater spitting vapors on my dreams, but I still believe." {Toby Mac}
The voice of my Accuser often sounds like my own thoughts.
I can tell it's him when there is condemnation, accusation, guilt and shame.
They sound like this:
"If only I were able to follow through... "
"I don't know how to teach my children... "
"If only I were more organized and could plan my days better... "
"I keep making the same mistakes."
"I shouldn't try to stick to a plan because I'll probably just mess it up."
Now, if someone were actually standing in front of me and saying these statements to me (YOU don't know how to teach your children.), I would probably have to disagree. So, why is it that I listen to the accusations in my head when they come to me in first person?
"For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the
weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the
pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down
imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of
God,
and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ... "
{2 Corinthians 10:3-5}
Time to capture some rogue thoughts.
I began charting out this daily schedule about four years ago. It comes from the book, "Managers of Their Homes." After much angst and self doubt, I have finally brought it back out. Four years ago, I was pregnant with baby number four. Now there are five kiddos! Needless to say, I have had to re-arrange and re-write it to fit our lives now (and I still don't have the baby on there).
Fear of failure and perfectionism have held me back from planning out my day.
The fearing thoughts have said, "What if I am always hasty and nasty and pushing my kiddos to the tune of 'tick tock'?! And the perfectionism thoughts have said, "What if I don't get it right the first time, and have to keep changing it all. the. time.?"
I have dragged my feet for long enough. This week I decided to try doing just one morning following it as closely as we could.
I am happy to report that... it needs to be changed. Hahaha, just some little tweaks though!
I am also happy to report that... it was a FABULOUS day!!! I wasn't worried about one room being messy, because I knew we would get to the "Quick Pick-Up" time on the schedule. And the most important thing we did? Worshipped together. I made that a priority for us after breakfast.
Good move, Momma! It made it so that the tune of the rest of the day was not to the clock, but to His heartbeat.
I guess I can tell those condemning thoughts where to go.
~christa
jean ~
~~~
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"Momma SAID!" comes the urgent tone from one daughter to another.
Have you heard this before?
The name "Momma" or, "Daddy" for that matter, carries some weight.
If Momma said, well, you'd better do it!
Or what about this one? "If you don't stop, I'm gonna tell Momma."
There is power in the name Momma.
This reminds me of another name that is powerful.
I have full access to this Name above ALL names.
I can say at any time to my enemy, "If you don't stop, I'm gonna tell Jesus!"
And, that hater? He listens and obeys. That's more than I can say for my children sometimes, hahaha.
Now, there are times when the enemy does not listen; maybe he has a "right" to stand his ground, but that would be for another post...
He promised us that we would be endued with power from on high (Luke 24:49). This power from on high was specifically the Holy Spirit.
Endued: to give qualities or abilities to, to endow, to gift, to invest, to empower, to cover, to clothe.
If you think of all the power available to us, through His Spirit, in His name, by His blood, we should have no use of fear.
I am so thankful that I am under His authority... "and His kingdom shall know no end..."
"For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him
the name which
is above every name, so
that at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW,
of
those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth... "
{Philippians 2:9-10}
Perfectionism, you will bow.
Fear, you willbow.
Anger, you will bow.
"Blessed be the Lord, who has not given us as prey to their teeth.
Our soul is escaped as a bird out of the fowlers: the snare is broken and we are escaped.
Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth."
{Psalm 124:6-8}
"The name of the Lord is a strong fortress;
the godly run to Him and are safe."
Last week, I heard about an awful, horrible, terrible thing. I did not even look up the full account because I didn't want to know any more details than I already did. This is a court case here in our town. Makes me feel ill.
A ten year old boy was locked away in a room and barely fed. His parents kept him so hidden, he had two little sisters who didn't even know about him. At age 18, the parents kicked the boy out and told him to find his own way in life. Now that he has come forth from the darkness, his story has come to light.
Due to malnutrition, at age 18, he still has his baby teeth.
As horrid as this story is, the person telling it shared an interesting insight. We are like that boy, spiritually. Think about it. Hasn't someone been keeping us in the dark, under lock and key? How can we be really soul-satisfied if we ourselves are malnutritioned?
Haven't I tried to slake my thirst with dead water? He is the Living Water.
Haven't I tried to fill my hunger with maggot-riddled bread? He is the Bread of Life.
Haven't I been satisfied with day-old "manna?" His Word is Living..
Haven't I slouched after crumbs on the floor? He has a table laden with Goodness.
He beckons me, Come.
About this time last year, I wrote these words in my journal...
"Thank you, Holy Spirit, for guiding me into all truth. I see that as a "baby" in Christ, one cries out in a crisis moment, asking for immediate help; but cannot be full/satisfied for long, just as a baby. With maturity comes the ability to devour the 'meat' of the Word, gaining revelation and insight into the mysteries of God, while becoming accustomed to the ability to discern between good and evil, especially in the thought-life."
He was drawing me nearer then, calling to me to join Him in the feast of His presence.
He is still drawing me.
How can I eat the "meat" if I still have my baby teeth?
Thank God, He holds the keys to unlock the prison!
"... Concerning Him, we have much to say, and it is hard to explain,
since you
have become dull of hearing.
For
though by this time you ought to be teachers, you have need again for someone to
teach you the elementary principles of the oracles of God,
and you have come to
need milk and not solid food.
For
everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of
righteousness,
for he is an infant.
But
solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained
to discern good and evil."
{Hebrews 5:11-14}
~christa
jean ~ ~~~
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Our newest little peanut was a bit of a surprise (we were living with in-laws at the time, looking for our own house), but brought the joy of new life again.
{The beauty of home schoolin'... the pre-schooler can show up barefoot.}
I always wanted to be a mommy when I was younger. I got to practice on my little sis.
{I was 10 or 11 here, with my "baby"}
Then I became a mother. For the first couple of years I thought I was doing a darn good job. And then the bouts of anger began. I tried so hard to hide it behind the title of "Good Mother."
Though I still wanted each child as they came along, I stopped wanting ME as their mother. I was afraid of the monster that would rear it's ugly head.
I would see other mothers who were so loving to their children and hate who I was not.
I began to wonder why God allowed me to even be a mother at all. Isn't there someone else who would treat these children the way they needed to be treated? As precious treasures? There were some very dark days, when I considered what it would be like if I were not alive anymore.
I have been slowly but surely accepting that God not only wanted me as the mother of these littles, He ordained it to be so.
And He will turn ALL things to good.
~christa
jean ~
~~~
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My husband and I watched "October Baby" over the weekend. I cried.
Whenever I cry during a movie, hubby looks at me, and pats my hand or something. Usually, he is crying as well and I always wanna say, "Stop looking at me!"
Why does crying embarass me? Who knows.
The real star behind "October Baby" is Gianna Jessen (pictured below). She is such an inspiration. She is taking the broken pieces of her life and, like the breaking of bread, feeding others. If Gianna can forgive her birth mother (the one who tried to abort her), who, six years ago, told her she was an embarrassment, then I think we can forgive anyone, eh?
{Gianna Jessen}
"Your biggest fear is that you'll be forgotten," said Gianna... "God's been telling me, 'I'm going to define you,' and 'you are not forgotten' and 'you are loved.' "
Very appropriate words, afterthis post.
One of the most poignant moments of the movie, is not even in the movie. It comes at the very end, as credits scroll. The actress who played the birth mom in the movie shares how the movie is key in helping to heal her from the past.
Gianna's life IS beautiful.
I do not feel anger angainst her mother. I feel sadness. Her mother is missing out on relationship with one of the Beloved. Just as Stephen prayed while the stones were hurling toward him, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."
I am thankful that I am adopted in to His family. I am accepted in the Beloved.
He wanted me.
~christa
jean ~ ~~~
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I can't believe I've actually made it this far! I didn't think I would give up half way through, but I kinda wanted to. I've made it over the hump, into the second half of my 31 Day blog journey. Yes, I've "cheated" a couple times, turning back the clock on a post to make it fit into the daily schedule. Oh well.
Thank you for reading my scattered scratchings.
What I have to say now has to be written down. I want to remember it.
There comes that moment in a life, maybe you've experienced it, when everything seems to stand still and you see the finiteness of your life staring you in the eye . It happened all of a sudden for me. One moment, I'm just living. The next moment, I'm wondering what am I even doing here? Does any of this even matter? My thoughts turn to becoming a grandma and then a great-grandma and then passing away and becoming forgotten. My thoughts flash to my great-grandparents and how I have only vague and fuzzy memories of them. What about those before them? Who were they? What did they live for?
The weight of nothingness pressed upon me.
But...
But God.
"But God, who is rich in mercy, for His great love with which He loved us." {Ephesians 2:4}
He, in one instant, reminded me of eternity.
I am not living for this place. What I do here really does matter later.
I am not home yet.
The Lord is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
For he knows how
weak we are; he remembers we are only dust.
Our days on earth
are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
The wind blows, and
we are gone— as though we had never been here.
But the love of the
Lord remains forever with those who fear him.
His salvation extends to the children’s children
of those who are
faithful to his covenant,
of those who obey his commandments!"
{Psalm 103:13-18}
He knows.
He knows me.
I am known by the I AM.
~christa
jean ~ ~~~
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Some times you find a thread in His Word, and when you follow it throughout, it brings you to a beautifully created masterpiece. And the mystery is too great to fully comprehend.
The following verses are just that, woven so masterfully together, for our sustenance.
"And He humbled you, and allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna, which you knew not, neither did your fathers know; that He might make you know that man does not live by bread only, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord does man live."
{Deuteronomy 8:3}
"As the deer pants after the water brooks, so my soul after You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God; when shall I come and appear before God? My tears have been my food day and night, while they continually say to me, 'Where is your God?'"
{Psalm 42:1-3}
"O God, You are my God; early will I seek You: my soul thirsts for You, my flesh longs for You in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is... "
{Psalm 63;1}
"Ho! Every one that thirsts, come you to the waters, and he that has no money; come you, buy, and eat; yes, come, buy wine [joy] and milk [nourishment] without money and without price. Wherefore do you spend money for that which is not bread? and your labor for that which satisfies not? hearken diligently to Me, and eat that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness. Incline your ear, and come Me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David."
{Isaiah 55:1-3}
"Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness; for they shall be filled."
{Matthew 5:6}
"... But whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life."
{John 4:14}
"Labor not for the food which perishes, but for that food which endures to everlasting life, which the Son of man shall give to you; for Him has God the Father sealed... I AM the bread of life: he that comes to Me shall never hunger: and he that believes on Me shall never thirst."
{John 6:27, 35}
"If any man thirst, let him come to Me, and drink. He that believes on Me, as the scripture has said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water."
{John 7:37-38}
"It is done. I AM Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to him that is thirsty of the fountain of the water of life freely. He that overcomes shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be My son."
{Revelation 21:6-7}
"And the Spirit and the bride say 'Come!' And let him that hears say, Come. And let him that is thirsty come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely."
{Revelation 22:17}
I do not take credit for searching these out, my pastor did that. I am only choosing to share them for meditation purposes. I can see that I will be chewing on these for quite a while, letting them go down deep and make me full. Make me whole.
The coolest thing? After reading all these scriptures today, even our family devotions coincided...
"I lead you to places in My Word that feed your hungry soul. I give you the Living Water of My Presence. " {Jesus Calling, Oct 18th}
Taste and See that He really is GOOD!
I leave you with this song. I sing this all. the. time.
Come to Me.
~christa
jean ~ ~~~
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"If you don’t fight for joy, it’s your children who lose.
What do I want my children to remember — my joy in clean floors,
made beds and ironed shirts — or my joy of the Lord?
You will be most remembered — by what brought you most joy."
These are some of the excruciating words I read today. Every time I read the lovely author, Ann Voskamp, I cry. Seriously. I cry every time. It is as if she was writing about my life. Only her words ebb and flow and carry you along the current, deep calling to deep. Such beautiful words, sent to me for such a time as this. She reminds me, no implores me to fight on!
For quite a while now, I have had this urging thought in my mind that I need to begin the day, totally surrendered to Him. I am in a war for my soul and the souls of my children.
I will fight this war, on my face. He has already won. I'm just agreeing with it and walking forth victorious.
~ an enlarged, somewhat straight to tapering plant root that grows downward. It forms a center from which other roots sprout laterally.
~ many taproots are modified into storage organs, which is the part of the plant specifically modified for storage of energy (carbohydrates) or water.
~ Storage organs often grow underground, where they are better protected from herbivores.
~ Storage organs often, but not always, act as perennating organs which enable plants to survive adverse conditions (such as cold, excessive heat, lack of light or drought).
~ some taproots (e.g. carrots) grow long to find the deeper water.
Reminds me to the verse at the forefront of Psalms...
"Blessed is the man that walks not in the counsel of the
ungodly,
nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the
scornful.
But
his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law does he meditate day and
night.
And
he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its
fruit in its season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he does
shall prosper."
{Psalm 1:1-3}
No wonder I've been so dry! No wonder I've had no energy (need more carbs? haha). No wonder I've been "eaten." Have I been tapping into Him?
Joy is not just an emotion. It is a fruit of the Spirit.
How do I get more Joy? Stay in the Spirit.
Where do I find my strength? It comes from Him.
Where do I hide myself? Under the Shadow of His wings.
I am so very thankful that His mercies are new every morning and that each day brings a "Do Over!"
~christa
jean ~
~~~
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It was a rotten day.
Let me re-phrase that. I was rotten all day.
I made my children cry a lot. I made them clean a lot. I was not nice.
I see this tendency toward clean-aholicism and I do not want it. I have given my children the impression that the most important thing to me is having a clean house.
I really do like having a clean house, and I would like to help my kiddos into good habits when they are young, but so far, I have gone to the wrong extreme.
However, I can say that, I didn't stay rotten all day. By evening, I had confessed to 6 different people my sins and mistakes from the day. Three, being my daughters.
I see how God turns all things to work toward His good in us.
One of my daughters asked my forgiveness for a rude tone of voice (unprompted, I might add!) and I was thankful for repentance and restoration.
I may not have been an example of love and joy, but, I darn well was an example of repentance and brokenness.
What really matters is His presence being FULL in this house. That is what I want for my children, for them to be FILLED with Him.
On days like this, I cling to a promise given to me by a prophet three years ago...
"And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD;
and great shall
be the peace of thy children."
{Isaiah 54:13}
Yes, and amen.
~christa
jean ~
~~~
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Those two little words have caused much angst within.
Sounds easy enough, right?!
I may stay on the topic of joy for a few days. Partly, because I need to talk it out (haha, "talk"), and, partly because, I am too tired to write much again tonight.
But, I will tell you about a small victory that I had in this area of my life.
The day we returned from vacation, and there were loads and loads and loads of laundry to do, I could have been grumpy. Really grumpy. Instead, every time I wanted to complain, I just thanked God that we even had clothes to wash and wear. It really did change my attitude!
Today, I had a stinky attitude all afternoon. I probably chose it. I certainly did not choose joy.
So, before you go to sleep, you can pray for me. :-D
For I am determined to have it!
