Saturday, May 31, 2008
To Him do I turn my gaze
marred more than any man--
spit upon,
slapped,
thorn-pierced,
bloodied,
sweating,
the beard plucked,
twisted in pain--
For my salvation.
A glorious face, now.
Let its light shine on me, O Light of Life.
Let Your radiance fall on me, Sun and Savior,
Lighten my darkness.
Then grant me this by Your grace:
That I, in turn, may give
"The light of the knowledge of the glory of God" (2 Cor 4:6 AV)
As I see it in the face of Jesus Christ."
~ Elisabeth Elliot~
Friday, May 30, 2008
Who is my Master?
Fear, that which causes all sorts of evil. Worry, anger, depression to name a few.
I used to have such a debilitating fear when the dark of night would come, a fear of evil lurking inside and out. I would see things, hear things, dream things. I would wake my husband to go with me to the bathroom in the middle of the night because of this fear. I can gladly say that those days are past. I have not dealt with the terror at night for a few years now. It took a lot of prayer to get me to that point, a lot of calling on Jesus' Mighty Name.
So what is this new fear? Or has it been hiding in me all along?
The fear of rejection
The fear of being alone
The fear of failing
The fear of not having enough
The fear of loss
I lay in my bed during the quiet hours of the morning pondering this ugly, insidious beast called fear. By coincidence (or not!), I read these words today:
"All fear is rooted in the core belief that God’s Word won’t work... Fear leaves me because I rely on something that can’t fail—His promises." ~ Pastor Gregory Dickow
Is that what causes fear? Unbelief? I must ponder this some more.
Whilst I ponder, I beg you to pray for me. I know you all have your own things to pray for and think about... but even one small prayer will do.
Please pray that fear would not be my Master.
Especially as I near the dreaded week, week 9, the week when my last baby died.
Yes, I will be 9 weeks pregnant on Monday. I didn't want to tell anyone for fear that I would have to then tell of another loss. This fear has stolen my joy.
I do not wish to be mastered by fear, trepidation, apprehension... but I cannot do this alone. Will you stand with me in my weakness?
"Perfect Love casts out fear... " ~ 1 John 4:18
Thank you all.
~ christa jean
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
TADA!
Darcy TOTALLY Rocks over at Graphically Designing! We've been collaborating and came up with this lovely new look. I have a bit of re-arranging and filling in to do on the sidebars still, but isn't it Fantabulous?!!!
I wanted to have my shop page over at Etsy linked when this went live, but I am having technical difficulties with that. Hopefully by end of week you'll see a cute little button that you can push that whisks you away to viewing pretty baubles!!!
It feels like my life is finally coming together... ha ha, not really. But it does feel nice to have my own pretty blog and soon my own jewelry page.
Do you approve?
~ christa jean
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Take time to breathe...
this will be so cute in black & white
i love her freckles
yes, her signature pose again
shweet
~ christa jean
Friday, May 23, 2008
I need some inspiration...
It was slightly chilly out, but I didn't care. We went up and down the street, each pushing our own stroller (mine was considerably heavier than theirs!) and I'm sure my daughters learned an important lesson in strollerizing the neighborhood!
Stroller Etiquette:
- Don't let your baby fall out!
- Don't roll over the neighbor's flowers!
- Don't run over the neighbor's dog!
- Don't talk incessantly to the neighbor we've never talked to before about random facts he probably doesn't care to know!
P.S.!!! I'm soooooooooooooo excited for next week's surprise... you'll see!!!
Random Weirdness
Why does it seem that I have a back-up or reserve bladder? I use the restroom and then 30min. to an hour later feel the urge once again! Why?
Har Har! I'm sure the answer is that I've had 3 babies and my body is just weird now.
What irks you about your body after having birthed children? I'm curious.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Clarity
Monday, May 19, 2008
These are a few of my favorite words...
Well, at least she's in the tub.
Hey, WAIT! I'm in the tub too.
EWWWW!
Oh well.
Maybe not two of my favorite words.
I reeeeallly liked these words though:
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Joy Sprinkles All Around!
Today she embarks upon the adventure of 2 years old!
She has her own way of doing things, like galloping when she wants to get somewhere. She has a fetish about balls and belly buttons and will ask any stranger if she can look at their "button?" She is NOT shy at all and will reach for any person to hold her, even sitting in a stranger lady's lap at the library. She almost always wakes up happy and singing. She is loud, but it's usually a boisterous laugh, not a scream. She loves to wear dresses and high heels and fake jewelry. She loves to snuggle down with a crocheted blanket and read stories. She loves to love.
She is loved.
beautiful baby
cupcake success!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Forgetfulness of Self
Not because I didn't get the most special treatment (I did!) but because my thoughts drifted many times to my-self... the dissatisfaction I hold with myself, the longing to get out of this selfish half-life, the ways I see myself wasting my daughters days away.
Sometimes, it is really hard to snap out of a funky funk.
But, this quote came in yesterday's devotional and I tried to take it to heart:
"TO give heart and mind to God, so that they are ours no longer--to do good without being conscious of it, to pray ceaselessly and without effort as we breathe--to love without stopping to reflect upon our feelings--such is the perfect forgetfulness of self, which casts us upon God, as a babe rests upon its mother's breast."
~JEAN NICOLAS GROU ~
French men say it best, I guess ;-D
I must be reminded daily that it is about resting, abiding...
"Christ in me, the hope of glory."
NOT, "Me (with Jesus helping here and there) the hope of glory."
And stunningly, we had a nice day today. I tried to time all of our morning tasks to 15 minutes each. If we finished a task before the timer went off, bonus play time! Then we sat on the floor and made silly paper bag puppets.
First on my TO DO list for tomorrow?
- Abide
~christa jean
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Christa Hammer-Hand!
You like?!
~ christa jean
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Lesson Learned
There was a time when I was really into them. Maybe it was the draw of being able to go back and redo your "life" when at the end you died or something tragic happened. I got really good at retracing my steps and manipulating my choices so as to get to that pleasing finish.
Hmmm, I wish life were that way.
Last week, I was faced with a choice. Not a life-altering choice really, but one that altered the moment. Which, coincidentally, life is just made up of many such moments!
I had been straightening up my bedroom and the girls had been playing dollies. They all came bounding into my room and jumped on my freshly made bed. "Hey! I just made that!" Then Grace asked if they could look in my jewelry box and try stuff on.
Now, in my head, I'm picturing jewelry being flung about and more messes to clean up. So, my first answer was "No, it's time to go start another load of laundry." Grace, master negotiator, said "But you never wear any of it." Hmmm... she's right. For one who touches, takes apart, and looks at jewelry daily, I sure don't wear it! That's when it hit me, why not? Really, what is so important to keep me from allowing it? Certainly not laundry!
My laziness hit me square in the eye. I just cringed at myself and decided to change my answer!
"Okay, let's look at my jewelry!" I literally had not opened that jewelry box for months. And as we lay on my bed looking through it all, my eye landed on one little ring. Through my mind's eye flashed the memories associated with that ring. How Carter had told me to look in the little gift shop at the Beach for something I'd like for my Birthday. I saw that ring, tried it on, looked at the price, put it back. But I couldn't stop thinking about it and I wanted it, Oh, how I wanted it! He ended up buying it for me, even though it was beyond what our budget would allow.
That must have been at least six years ago and now I look at that ring and think it's nothing special. Yeah, it's special that it came from my husband, but I never wear it and this time when I looked at it all I could remember was how greedy and inconsiderate I was.
Lesson Learned. It's all just stuff. Stuff that will get tossed out eventually. I must invest in those things that last, like truly loving my husband and a moment shared with my daughters.
~ christa jean
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
More About Fasting
I wanted God to Provide. He wanted me to Abide.
For He already has Provided, what I needed to do was Abide in Him first. He is not suprised by our current circumstances and He has provided for this very moment by His grace.
And, wouldn't you know it, we received our Stimulus check at the end of the week and it was more than we expected!
At this point, I could be tempted to complain, for the fun things we had dreamed of spending that money on, have now been replaced by hospital bills and house payments, but there again is me not trusting God and not expecting good things from Him and, worst of all, not being thank-FULL (forgive me, Father). He can turn everything around in an instant and maybe is just waiting for that vote of confidence from me!
Monday, May 5, 2008
Truth in the innermost parts
Fasting causes one to s l o o o o o o w down and to wait and to really hear the quiet promptings of that Spirit of Truth. "Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom." (Psalm 51:6)
It was in one of those slowing down times last week that I believe the Spirit helped me to discern truth. I had just finished reading this portion of my new treasure, "Ask What Ye Will" by Flavia Gaines Leitch: "Banish the foes of your soul's welfare from your mind. Pursue them with relentless determination. Anxiety, worry, fear, criticism, condemnation, harsh judgment, impatience, anger, and an unforgiving, unloving spirit... ALL MUST GO. They are not trees planted by the Father. Uproot them. Banish them from your heart. 'Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.' If a single unholy emotion is allowed to remain in your heart it will come out some way, somehow, and will cast a shadow over your entire nature."
OKAY, now I'm remembering the rude (angry) behavior I displayed in front of my daughters when a foolish teenage girl ran in front of the van (we were just driving through a GREEN light! DUH! Were you even thinking? Note to self, teenagers brains are not fully formed yet) and I yelled at her. Yeah, I actually got out of the car, can you picture me doing that?! Yuck. I'm thinking also about some embittered thoughts I was harboring toward someone, oh, and I guess that whining I was doing on the inside about having to eat oatmeal again.
The gentle conviction of the Spirit is just that ~ gentle. A warning signal should sound when that voice sounds like shame and condemnation. The Holy Spirit may sound something like this in my head, "Um, Dear One, if you continue in those thoughts, they will take root and do damage... whadya say we do some cleansing?" Okay, I'm down wit dat, H.S., but how... ? 1 Thessalonians 5:23 "May God Himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through." Ahhhhh, those very words bring peace to me. They remind me that I am not the one responsible for my holiness. I must only open myself up to Him.
The even greater discernment came to me after reading this paragraph in the aforementioned book: "How can you be rid of them? Can you do it of your own self? Not any more than you can do anything else of your own self. ASK OF GOD. Exercise your will to be an overcomer. When God sees that you will to do His will, He will put His back of your will, and all the powers of darkness will flee from your life and your environment." Immediately, after I read that last statement, my thoughts said: "No, You've really just left me alone to take care of my own junk." I stopped. HALT! Hmmm, that was not a true thought. My very next thought was this: "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Now, that is more like it. I kinda felt at that moment that I was the guy in the cartoon with the good conscience whispering in one ear and the bad conscience in the other!
It is often easier to listen to the voices that would heap shame upon me, they seem more right than the alternative... "All the demons look like prophets, and I'm living out every word they speak..." (Jars of Clay). That is why I MUST, at all cost, cling to His Word. Thank God for the Holy Spirit, my Helper, my Comforter, my Intercessor, the Voice of the Father.
Fasting can also remind one of where priorities ought to lie. I was truly touched by the post over at Balancing Everything. Take a look-see if you get the chance.
Chuckle. Did you like my little plug for fasting?! ;-D
~christa jean
Saturday, May 3, 2008
The Darkness has never mastered it...
(emphasis mine)
The Power of Darkness
"When the chief priests, temple officers, and elders came to the Garden of Gethsemane to arrest Jesus, they succeeded only because a sovereign God permitted them to succeed. Jesus pointed out that He was teaching daily in the Temple, yet they never laid a finger on Him. Now they were after Him with swords and staves. 'But this is your hour, and the power of darkness is yours' (Lk 22:53 JBP). Who gave them that hour? Who allowed them the power to capture Him? It was God, without whose leave not even a sparrow can fall to the ground. God is omnipotent, never slumbering, just, righteous, and forever in control. He was not taken by surprise. All was working then, as it is always working, into a pattern for good.
Our own difficulties often appear to be random. Our tragedies look wildly uncontrolled. They are not. They are subject. Limits are set. God is quietly at work, standing in the shadows, ceaselessly watching over His children.
'The light shines on in the dark, and the darkness has never mastered it' (Jn l:5 NEB)."
Love, Love, Love it.
~ christa jean